Wasuremono Koiboto
by duathkaimelar
Summary: Sequel to Eiei Koiboto. 1 year after the end of the first fic, Yamato returns to Odaiba in search of Taichi, in order to get the answers to questions that have been consistently bothering him. What will come of their unexpected meeting?
1. Chapter 1

**Wasuremono Koiboto**

**Shadow Dreamer**

**Disclaimer: Digimon belongs to Toei Animation, Saban, Disney, Bandai, and other companies that may have been forgotten, but it's not me.**

****WARNING** This story contains shounen-ai.  Please leave now if that makes you uncomfortable.  Homophobic rants will be laughed at and flames will be used to warm my room on a cold winter night.  This story also contains some dark themes.  If that makes you uncomfortable, I suggest you leave, but if you continue, it's not my fault if you're disturbed or have nightmares, because I warned you!**

First off, I would like to apologize to all of you for my *incredibly* long absence.  I'm very sorry everyone, please don't kill me!!  Between schoolwork, and then my muses deciding it was a fine time to take a lunch break and a vacation, writing did become a little difficult…but now I'm back!

I know that most of you who asked for a sequel wanted it to be a happy one, and some of you asked for a sequel only if it was happy.  I apologize in advance to those people.  It's not my fault!!  Eiei Koiboto doesn't leave much room for happiness…so, I am warning you now, this won't exactly be a happy fic.  To babydragon, and any of my other reviewers who wanted the conflict to be solved, it is, just in a different way.  And to SrPositivo, I agree with you, fanfiction should be happy, with problems solved easily (and very unrealistically) unfortunately my muses like to take depression pills every once in a while and it effects my brain.  To S_Star, I beg of you not to kill me, I did tell you that after this I wouldn't write anything *this* sad again, okay?  Happy one, next!  The rest of you…sorry again!!

                Whereas Eiei Koiboto focused just a bit more around Taichi than Yamato, this one will focus a little bit more around Yamato, and it also takes place a year after the end of Eiei Koiboto.  I don't want to spoil the story by saying anything else about it, so I guess we'll begin.  Enjoy everyone!  *hides behind rock* 

                -Shadow Dreamer

~~~~~~~~~~

**Chapter 1**

1 year later 

-- Yamato --

                Doing this is more than likely going to prove to be a _big_ mistake.

                Well, you know, this is typical behavior when it comes to you.

                I still have no clue why I'm doing it.

                I feel guilty, you know, and I think that's the main reason why.  I feel guilty, and I'm hurt, and I have to know why…

                I have to know why you didn't come back.  

                You had thought that you would, you said yourself that you would probably wind up coming back.

                I know you, and you must have a damn good reason for not coming back when you said that you probably would.

                Whether you like it or not, I'm coming to see you, and getting some answers.  Maybe then I can finally settle a bit, at least.

                When my plane landed, and I didn't see you there waiting, I was ready to cry out and run and find you, but I didn't.  I thought that I would be able to get over it easy.

                But I didn't.  For the past year you've been the main thing in the back of my mind, and I couldn't concentrate on anything else but you.  I can't tell you how many hours I've stayed up wondering about you, how you are and if you've moved on, and why you didn't come back.  You're the main reason why I've decided to quit the band.

                I don't know what I'm expecting by seeing you.  I suppose what I should expect is to see that you've moved on, perhaps found someone else.  But I'm going to apologize.  For once, I'll be the one who does it.

                And even after all this time, after five years, I can't deny the fact that I still love you, as crazy as it sounds.

                It's silly, but I think I'm expecting for you to feel that way too…

-- Taichi --

                There was a knock on the door.

                Still half asleep, I dragged myself off the couch to get it, knowing who it was.

                I unlocked the door and then flopped myself back on the couch, like I always used to do with you.

                I heard the quiet footsteps entering the apartment, and the creak of the shutting door.  Finally I hear the familiar sound of a human's graceful landing onto the loveseat beside of me.

                A familiar silence follows.  It reminds me so much of the days when the both of us would just stay home and listen to the rain outside, pounding steadily against the window panes.

                "Are you okay?" I ask the other person in the room, already knowing the answer.  It's customary now, for me to ask this.

                "I'm fine." He whispers back to me, although I know that he isn't.  He hasn't been for six months.

                Six months ago…that was when Daisuke died.  In a car crash.  It didn't help matters any.  Hell, I'm still not over you, not even close to it, but the pain in my heart had been starting to die down, just a little, and then Daisuke died.

                This sounds really bad, but losing him didn't hurt nearly as much as it hurt me to leave that day a year ago, without saying anything to you…

                …but it still hurt.  Daisuke and I had always been really close, with me being his idol and all.  

                It hurt Ken even more.  And I don't blame him.  Daisuke was the first person that Ken had ever learned to trust and respect.  You know that just as well as I do.  And Ken loved him.  It can't be expected that it would be easy.

                Ken spent an entire month where he rarely came home.  He spent most of his time at Daisuke's grave, until he began to grow too weak to make it there and back on his own.  It was then that my instincts to help kicked in.  I didn't want anything bad to happen to him when I could have done something to prevent it, like what happened with you…

                So I took care of him.  I carried him home from Daisuke's grave one evening and let him sleep, and when he woke up I had forced him to eat and shower.  

                For at least two months it remained like that, and by then Ken had recovered enough to go back home again, as long as Wormmon was always by his side.  But in those two months, we became rather attached to each other.

                I think it's because Daisuke and I are so alike.  My stubbornness to get Ken to eat and shower and sleep, and get working again, must have reminded Ken so much of Daisuke.  I think I temporarily filled a little spot in his heart.  Not enough to replace Daisuke, but enough to keep him going.

                And at the same time, Ken satisfied something inside of me, too.  After I left you behind that day I always had a nagging guilty feeling.  Because even after all this time, I still love you.  Like I said, the pain has dulled, but it's still there.  I was lonely.  I still am, but taking care of Ken has gotten my mind off of you, and filled the lonely little hole.

                Nowadays, I'm the only person Ken talks to, and it's the same way for me.  He knows about what happened between you and I, and he understands what comfort I need: silent.  Likewise, I do know what it's like to lose someone you love, and he lets me in.  

                Most of the free time we have we spend together, including now, just sitting quietly and listening to the rain or some soft music.  And in those times, my mind always wanders…

                …and no matter what I start thinking about, everything comes down to you.

                Over these years I have missed you a hell of a lot more than I ever expected to.  There's just something about you that completes the puzzle of my heart.  We are each other's missing pieces; we figured that out long ago.  But we keep losing each other.

                I can't help but wonder what you're doing right now.  I must confess that I've watched some of your televised concerts, but you haven't had any lately and I haven't even been able to see your perfect body.  Your warm face.  Are you doing okay?  Are you eating enough?

                Something tells me that I shouldn't worry.  I can't help it though.  

                Some part of me wishes that I could see you, but I would have no idea where to look to find you.  So I am just going to continue to sit here in the background, and watch…perhaps waiting, but it's silly.  I should never expect for you to have any contact with me ever again, not after what happened.  I can still hope though.

                Because…it's not just that I didn't go back.  But…no matter how much we hurt each other, and how many promises we break, I always feel guilty about lying to you.  And my last words to you…

**Flashback**

_You ran off crying, and I grew angry, and then I did the stupidest thing in my entire life.  "I HATE YOU, ISHIDA YAMATO!" I screamed after you, crying, and then I turned and ran away…_

**End Flashback**

                That was a lie.  I don't hate you.  I never could.  But my last words to you, koi, they were lies.  And until you know the truth, that nagging feeling of guilt is always going to be left behind.

-- Yamato --

                I shouldn't be assuming where to find you.  For all I know you've moved out by now.  I wouldn't blame you if you have.  Living here may be too painful, because of the memories.  I mean it may be easier to let go in another city.

                But I've always had this gut instinct with you, and it's telling me that you still live in our-_your_-apartment.  My first trip is there, I guess.

                I don't know what I am going to say to you.  Sure, I have questions.  But I'm sure that you do to.  What am I supposed to say to you?  Am I supposed to tell you that after all these years, I still love you, and I'm only slightly mad at you? 

                Somehow I don't think that it would go over well very if I said that.  Besides, knowing you and our relationship, you're going to tell me that you still love me too.  And after all of this time, after all that's happened, after you didn't come back…

                …to be honest, I'm not sure if I'll be able to believe you.

                Mentally I am not prepared for this meeting, but I have to do it.  The sooner I reach you, the sooner we'll get this settled.  Once I have my answer, I can leave, and move on.  I can find something else to do with my life.

                But…I can't tell myself that I won't ever see you again.  After all, when I told you that I would be leaving five years ago, I didn't think that you would come back and you did.  And a year ago, when you didn't return, I thought that that was the end.  That we'd seen the last of each other.

                And yet, here I am, walking in the rain, desperately trying to find you…

                …our lives would be much, much easier without each other in them.

                But it's way beyond late for that.

-- Taichi --

                When I woke up the next morning, immediately I knew that something about that day was going to be different.  I couldn't quite put my finger on it.  But something just didn't quite feel right.

                Dragging myself out of bed I looked at the clock.  It's noon already.  I'm not really surprised.  These days, I can't seem to get myself up early.  

                I have no reason to.  If it weren't for Ken, I would have no real reason to live anymore as it is.

                Careful not to trip over Ken in his sleeping bag on the ground, I walk out of the room and walk to the kitchen to make myself a cup of coffee.

                As I go through the process subconsciously, yet again my thoughts drift to you.  And us.  

                It used to be perfect, the relationship between you and I.  It's hard to believe that we ended up like this.  All because of your stupid career and those silly, dangerous promises that we made each other so long ago.

                And a year ago…before you left, I had told you that I would probably be back.  The reason I didn't go back was to avoid you.  Because I have learned.  If I had gone, we would have gotten back together, just like always.  We would have continued to hurt each other.

                Yet...somehow, I doubt that's enough to keep us away from each other forever.  I've thought this over every day, for the past five years, and somehow I know that we'll be brought back together again, continuously, until we die.  And even then, we'll wind up being thrown together in either heaven or hell.  It's just the way that we are.

                Part of me screams that I should have gone back.  A huge part of me regrets that decision.  I still love you just as much as I used to.  Yet I dread seeing you again.

                What am I supposed to say to you?  We've surpassed that time when we could be silent in each other's presence without any awkwardness.  I think we've surpassed the time when we could talk comfortably.  If we met again, it would be terribly awkward.

                The only subject that we could talk about is…well, this.  The past five years, I mean.  But if we did, it will end up in one of two ways.  1.) We could both wind up upset, and we would get back together again or 2.) We would end up in a serious argument.  And since we are both smarter than to wind up getting back together again, we'd fight.  

                I don't want to fight with you.  I don't like it.  I never have.  But what else would we do?

                There really is no point in us being put together anymore.  If we were lucky we'd be kept away from each other for the rest of eternity.  At least then, we could not be hurt any more than we already are.  Being confused is ten times better than being hurt.

                But things like that…happy endings…they only occur in the cheesy shoujo romance manga that Hikari still likes to read.

-- Yamato --

                For an unknown amount of time, I just stood there on your doorstep, staring.  It has to have been at least an hour already.

                I just can't bring myself to knock the door.  I would love to knock and be told that you moved out, but with my luck that won't happen.

                To be honest I'm not sure that I'll be able to handle facing you again.  The emotions and feelings between us are way too screwed.

                And then there's just too much that I want to tell you…and too much that I want to ask you about.  Where do I start?  Would you give me answers if I asked?

                Would you even, at least, listen to me?

                It's still pouring furiously outside, and my jacket is no longer protecting me from the rain.  My clothes are so soaked that my skin is wet.  At this rate I'm going to catch an ammonia.  

                Perhaps I shouldn't go in today after all.  It doesn't matter whether we hate each other or not, you're too kind to let me in but not take care of me at all when I'm this wet.

                Then…it took me _forever_ to get here.  Countless times I just stopped walking, my doubts drowning me.  If I don't do this now, I never will.  I won't be able to find the courage to come again.  That's your department, Taichi.  Not mine.  

                It's just occurred to me that I must be an odd site for the public passing by.  It's just not customary for someone to stand by a doorstep for hours in the rain. 

                Don't ask me why I thought of it.  Lately random thoughts have been running into my head at the weirdest moments, just like that.  I do that a lot.  When it happens, I'm grateful, because usually it keeps my mind off of you.

                No matter how hard I try though, I just haven't been able to stop thinking about you lately.  Especially not now.

                Taichi, you used to be the only courage that I had.  Any courage that I was able to gather came from you.  Any time we were apart, that courage was shattered like glass dropped onto pavement.  

                When I left you four years ago, so much of it left me I'm surprised I was able to do anything that had "courage" written across the requirements label.  Somehow I was though, and I think that you left some of your courage behind with me.

                The moment we admitted our love to each other, a half of our hearts joined the empty half of the other's.  And even after all of this time and hell, I still have that half of your heart with me.

                You still have mine.

                So, gathering up all the courage I may still have left within me into one tiny ball, I knock on your door.

-- Taichi --

                Ken was in my room, busying himself by drawing, and I lay on the couch, staring up at the ceiling, thinking about nothing in particular.

                You always used to think about nothing.  And I always used to think that it was a particularly dangerous habit; yet you still did it constantly.  It only took a month of me dating you to learn that I needed to be able to deal with it, and then you passed the trait down to me.

                Except I wouldn't exactly call me staring at the ceiling for hours while wondering about you thinking about nothing, but-

                There was a knock on the door.

                "I'll get it." I call, so that Ken isn't bothered.  Whatever he's doing, he seems pretty into it.  

                To be honest, I expected Hikari to be the one at the door.  She's the only one who ever bothers to come visit anymore.  

                After you left, we all still tried our hardest to still get together, and managed.  We were still close.  Then Daisuke left, and with both Ken and I locked up into our own little drawers, none of us even tried.  With both you, his own older brother, and his best friend gone, poor Takeru hasn't even come out of his own apartment.  And the only one who sees him is Hikari.  If it wasn't for her, he would have killed himself by now.

                The rest of them were just too emotionally hurt and confused to bother, and wrapped themselves up into their own blankets of darkness.

                The only reason I still see Hikari is because I'm her brother, and I never leave here anymore, so she comes here.

                Occasionally Miyako stops by to see Ken.

                I never, ever expect anyone else to come by.  So, thinking it was one of them, I walked over by door, shoved it open, and then went back to the couch and flopped myself down.

                I waited for the sound of Hikari's quiet footsteps, or Miyako's complaining about me leaving her standing there in the rain.

                Nothing ever came.

                I figured that maybe one of the other Chosen had stopped by for once and were confused by my actions.  That was honestly the only explanation I could come up with, you know.  Hikari and Miyako were used to me doing that by now.

                So, with an annoyed sigh, I sat up and opened my eyes.

                The last thing I ever expected to see, I did.  

                You were staring at me with an unreadable expression on your face, shivering and the rain absorbing into your clothes.

                My heart stopped.

***End Chapter 1***

                No one freak yet!  I only broke the story up into chapters because it's LONG, longer than I ever expected it to be, and a friend of mine who read this suggested it.  The next chapter's posted already though, if you haven't noticed.  I'd appreciate it if you reviewed at the end, because the whole story IS posted.  So read on!

~Shadow Dreamer~


	2. Chapter 2

**~Wasuremono Koiboto~**

**Shadow Dreamer**

**Chapter 2**

-- Yamato --

                Of all your actions in the world, I never expected for you to come open the door and just flop down on the couch like that.

                Just like you used to when I came by…

                I was frozen; I still have no idea what to make of it.  I mean, I know that you didn't see it, but still…

                Then it hit me.  It was you.

                Oh god oh god oh god oh god….

                My heart rate suddenly tripled itself and I had to lean against the doorframe to keep myself standing.

                It was you.  It was really you who had answered that door.  Not some stranger.

                Part of me was jumping out of my skin with excitement, and part of me wanted to run behind a rock and hide.

                I was seriously considering it, and then you sighed and sat up and looked straight up at me.  It was too late now.

                Our eyes locked.  We must have just stayed like that; staring, for at least three minutes, each of us trying to get our thoughts straight.

                Then, while constantly shaking your head in disbelief, you walked up to me, panting and with widening eyes.  

                I am finally able to get a closer look at you, and what I see makes me want to cry out.

                In the past five years, your looks have not changed at all.  You're still exactly the way I remember you.  And you certainly look healthy enough.  Glancing over you, I can tell that you've been eating and exercising enough.  Or, at least, you've been eating enough and just haven't been getting fat.  You were always like that.  Any person besides me and the other Chosen wouldn't have even considered the fact that something was wrong with you.

                But…your eyes.  Your eyes showed me what couldn't be told from your body.  Your eyes still had their same warm look, but the normal twinkle in them was gone.  The twinkle that always used to cheer me up, and warm my heart…

                …it had faded away.  And although your warm look was strongest, there was hurt into your eyes too.  It was a look of deep pain, and confusion, obviously caused by an unsolved emotional trauma.

                Or, in other words, me.

                You reach me then, and you freeze.  Yet, you keep your distance, and remain three feet away from me.

                "Ya…Yamato…" you choke in a quivering, barely audible voice.

                I can only stare into your wide, disbelieving eyes that are now full of fear.  I have nothing to say to you, but yet everything.  

                That little sense of insecurity sets into me and I'm starting to panic.  It's all I can do to keep myself from breaking down in front of you.

                Neither of us has moved, and if one of us doesn't say something soon, I don't even want to think about what's going to happen then.  But what do I say?

                Even as spaced as I am, I can still see you choke angrily and then turn your head away, and I desperately try to think of something to say.

                Just like always, I'm panicking too much, and random words are ready to pop out of my mouth.

                Without thinking, or realizing it, I say in a shaking, yet firm, voice, "You didn't come back."               

                Oh _shit._  What did I just do?

-- Taichi--

                All it took was those familiar, haunting words for me to whip my head back into your direction and stare.

                Did you honestly say what I think you just said?

                Ishida Yamato.  How DARE you tell me that, after all that's happened to us.

                And they were your first words to me in five years, to boot!

-- Yamato --

        Hontou ni…

        Ishida Yamato no _BAKA_!!  Baka!!

        Of all the things I could have said to you, why that first?

-- Taichi --

        I was so angry over your first words to me that if it weren't for Ken, I would have said something completely over irrational to you then and ruined it all.

        Luckily, he chose that moment to creep out of my room.  

        "Taichi?  Who's-"

        His voice stopped abruptly.  I'm guessing that he saw you.

        Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Ken freeze, and give me a look of pure confusion.

        Likewise, you looked up to me then in question.  Like we were still friends or something.

        Why now, Yamato?  Of all times, why now?

        This is something that I just can't take.

        Just then, of course at the worst possible time, I realize that you must have been out in the rain for a hell of a long time, as your clothes are completely soaked and seem to be made of water.  Any water is running off of you now, your clothes are so wet.

        With more force that intended, I grab your collar and pull you into the apartment, slamming the door behind me.

        Then I force you over to the sofa and shove you down.  Hissing, I manage to command, "Stay there."

        Then I walk over to where Ken is frozen standing and shove him into my room, slamming the door almost off of its hinges.

        God damn it Yamato, I'm not ready for this…

        I need to calm down.

-- Yamato --

        See, what did I tell you?  We haven't really even spoken a word to each other and it's already proven to be a suicide mission.

        This is what I get for coming here and expecting you to be able to talk to me.  I never should have thought that we would be able to.

        I kept telling myself that I wasn't ready to face you, Taichi.  But…you know, I never stopped to think about what effect this might have on you.  I never considered that you may not be able to handle this, and yet, that's what happened.

        I can tell that you're deeply confused, and upset.  If you were simply angry we'd already be screaming at each other by now.  That has to be why you went into your room with Ken-

        That reminds me.  Ken.

        What the hell is he doing here?  

        And where's Daisuke?

        I sigh and shake my head.  I can't answer any of that.  I'm just going to have to wait for you…

        A lump is forming in my throat and I force myself to swallow it down.  

        It's funny, you know.

        Even when we're in the same apartment, we're still playing this game.  I'm sitting out here and waiting…waiting for you to come out of the room.

        To…come back.

        Even now, we're playing that dangerous game, Taichi.

        It's silly.

        I shake my head and clear my head of those thoughts.  I think, for now, it's best not to think about that.

        Talking to you about it is going to be bad enough as it is.

        Desperate for something to pass the time, I glance around.  From here, I can see parts of the kitchen.  It's pretty clean, but dirty dishes are stacked up in your sink.

        I can't help but sigh.  Typical you.  I was always the one who did all the cleaning.

        Actually, the living room hasn't changed.  I remember the TV being exactly how it is, the bookshelves haven't moved.  The furniture is pretty clean, but you still have dirty laundry thrown into a pile on the other couch.

        I…I'm astounded.  I can't believe that you haven't changed any of it. Not one single bit.  I was sure that you would have at least remodeled.  Keeping things the exact same way must be a terrible way of reminding yourself of what happened.

        I know you, you can't tell me-or imply-that you're able to forget about it, because you never have.

        Events like these just don't leave your mind, Taichi.  Or mine.

        That was when I noticed something else.  There were a few pictures on top of the TV, like always.  One of Hikari, one of Takeru, and one of Ken and Daisuke sleeping that we sneaked at a sleepover at least seven or eight years ago.  

                Any pictures of the two of us we used to cram together on dressers in our room, or in wallets, and there was even one in the bathroom.  But…

                …there's two new pictures on the bookshelf.  

                The reasonable part of my mind tells me that it would be better for me to stay put, because I am still soaking wet, and it would be bad to spread that water all over your carpeting.  

                Yet, curiosity quickly gets the better of me.  I get up and weave my way through the furniture and over to the bookshelf.

                My eyes quickly scan the books over.  Same ones as before.  There's nothing new, besides magazines that I've never even heard of.  Soccer, I'm imagining.

                On the very top of the bookshelf stands a rather large frame.  Inside is a picture of all twelve of us and our Digimon by a lake on File Island in the Digital World.

                All hard feelings wash away from my body once I remember.  That picture was taken seven or eight years back, and it was the last time that all of us were in the Digital World together.  We had a sleepover that night and that's where we got the picture of Ken and Daisuke.

                It's a warm, sweet picture, but funny all the same.  You can see trees and the lake in the background, and the sun's reflection on the water.  Jyou's standing on the very left of the picture, and Koushiro's in front of him.  Gomamon is resting on Jyou's head and making a v-sign; Tentomon's floating beside Koushiro's arm.  Iori and Armadimon are both sitting down in front of Koushiro, and Iori was trying not to laugh.  Next to him are Sora and Mimi, their arms around each other and laughing.  Piyomon is hanging onto Sora's shoulder and Palmon is clinging to Mimi's left leg.

                On the very right, Ken's sitting down in the grass and Daisuke has his arms around Ken.  Wormmon is nuzzled in Ken's arm, and Chibimon is resting on Daisuke's shoulder.  Miyako's crouching and has her hands on Daisuke's shoulders. Takeru is standing behind them and doing bunny ears on Miyako.  Patamon and Hawkmon were chasing each other around at the time, and when the picture was taken it caught Hawkmon chasing Patamon in front of Takeru's chest.

                And then, smack-dab in the middle, Agumon's jumping in the air, and Gabumon is sitting down calmly. You are smiling and laughing, and are your arms are thrown around me in a loving embrace…

                I choke back a sob and tears splash against the carpet.  Forcing myself to look away from the picture, I scurry back to the couch.  Instead of sitting on it, I fall to the floor and curl up into a little ball, my back hitting the front of the couch.

                I bury my head in my knees and try hard not to cry.

                God Taichi…why did you have to put up that picture…?

-- Taichi --

                "I don't know!" I exclaimed to Ken for the last time, and continued to pace around the room.  

                I was vaguely aware that my face was pale and I was shaking pretty badly, and my harsh footsteps were probably going to bother the people bellow us, but at this point I could care less.

                I hate you, I hate you, I hate you…

                Why now?  Why did you have to come _now?_

                Why _did_ you come, Yamato?  Why are you suddenly appearing to me after five years?

                You can't possibly want to apologize to me.  If you had, you would have done that years ago.

                Right?

                _"Right."  I tell myself firmly.  You would have._

                So what is it that you want with me?

                "Taichi, you need to calm down.  Why don't you sit down?" Ken asks me in a soft, calm, almost reassuring voice.

                At this state, I've already panicked, and I'm seriously shocked.  See what you've done to me?  I can't even think straight.

                "CALM DOWN?!" I shriek at him, harshly.  "How can you expect me to calm down?  My ex-boyfriend that I haven't seen in _five years_ is sitting on the couch in my living room!  I don't even know why he came!!  He had better have a god damned good reason for this, because I swear, if he's trying to apologize to me then I'll have to-"

                Ken walked in front of me and grabbed my shoulders, stopping me abruptly.  "Taichi!" he hissed.  "Calm yourself down!"

                I glared at him.  "You don't understand." I spat.  And it's the truth.  He doesn't understand.  "You're not the one who's ex-boyfriend just showed up at the door, in the rain, after five years and after all he did before-"

                Ken cut me off.  "And he must have a damn good reason!!  I'm sure he's well aware of the fact that in this situation, people just don't do that!"

                "He has no right to show his face here after what he did!" I spat at him again, and I know I'm beginning to lose my temper.  Ken doesn't deserve having to put up with this.  But I'm out of control now.

                You bastard.  See what you've done to me?

                "Maybe he wants to _apologize_!" Ken argued.  "I know what it's like to feel guilty about something, but have too much pride to admit it!!  I was like that with Daisuke.  And you know-"

                By this time I was so angry that I didn't even pay attention to what I was saying, and so, said the meanest thing anyone could ever say to Ken.  "SHUT UP!" I argued back at him.  "You don't know!!  It doesn't matter whether or not you had a lover.  Maybe both of ours left us, but I'm in the worse situation!!  My _ex-lover just decided that his fucking career was more important than me and _left_ me for four years, and never came back!!  He broke his promise to me!!  At least Daisuke always loved you!!  He __NEVER betrayed you like Yamato betrayed me.  And he's DEAD!!  You wanna know something?  If it wasn't for him dying then all of us would still be together and I wouldn't _be_ in this situation.  Daisuke is DEAD and it's all his fault!"_

                After my last words Ken let go of my shoulders immediately and stepped back, his eyes breaking.  Immediately I felt guilty about what I had said, but there's nothing I can do about it now.  The damage has been done. 

                Great.  Just great.  I just lost the only friend I had left.  Yay Taichi.  

                And all because _you_ returned.

                If you were trying to fix things by returning, you've just made it worse.

                Way to go, smartass.  
  


                Ken was shaking now, both with anger and sadness.  Tears were flowing down his face but at the same time his eyes were fire as they focused on me, and his hands were balled into shaking fists.

                "How DARE you say that about Daisuke!" he said to me, surprisingly not screaming, but his voice increased.

                "You have no right to say that about him!!  It WASN'T his fault that he died, he was hit by a car!!  The situation may still be different but I know how you feel.  At the very least, I know how it is to lose someone that you love.  And before you put the blame on Dai, who had nothing to do with it, and even Yamato, stop being so self-absorbed and listen to yourself!!  It's not just HIM that needs to apologize, Taichi, it wouldn't kill YOU to go out there and say something to him too!!  IT'S YOUR FAULT TOO!!!  It's both of your faults that your relationship is screwed!"

                I thought he was going to leave them but before he did, and before I could even take in what he said, he was screaming again.

                "Maybe he did a lot to screw this up, but you have to give Yamato credit for coming back!!  It's obvious that he's trying to apologize, Taichi!!  Maybe he feels bad for what he did.  I understand that it may be too late to forgive each other.  But you need to at least give him a chance!  After all, he made the effort to find you after all this time, and all YOU did was sit on your ass and wonder!"

                After that, Ken ran out of the room and slammed the door behind him.

-- Yamato --

                I was considerably lost in my own thoughts when I heard loud pounding.  I looked up just in time to see Ken running out of your apartment and straight into the rain.

                There's no doubt that whatever happened is my fault, considering that you and Ken had walked into your room earlier because of me.

                Nice job, Yamato.  You get an A-plus for already screwing this night up completely and you and I haven't even talked to each other yet.

                Now I don't think I want to.

                The reasonable thing to do would be to leave.  If I had any sense left in me I would have left right then and there and never came back.

                Yet, something was keeping me from going. I came here to talk and that's what I was going to do.

                So, I returned my head to my knees and let the last of my tears silently fall while waiting.

-- Taichi --

                After half an hour of random cursing into my pillow and pacing, my anger at Ken had dulled, and all I was left with was guilt and a killer headache.  

                I suppose I need to go apologize to him, now.  Knowing Ken, he's not angry anymore either.  I mean, he's still angry at me for what I said about Daisuke for sure, but the rest of it…just like always, he's going to think that it was his fault.  And it was really mine.  

                To be honest I had forgotten about you then.  Wiping my eyes of the few tears that had escaped their well-locked cage, I opened the door and walked out of my room.

                When I walked out I immediately looked into the living room out of habit and saw you curled up into a little ball by the couch.

                All the events of the past hours came crashing down on my memory, and suddenly my heart turned hard again.

                I have long forgotten my concern for you, now that I know you are okay.  All I want now is some answers, and I then I want you out of here.

                Don't get me wrong, I was still shocked.  My heart still stopped at seeing you, and I wanted to faint out of surprise.  My anger for the past years flowed, yet my heart wanted to burst, because I knew that you were okay and still cared enough about me to return.

                However, fate woke up on the wrong side of the bed today, and you've screwed this up major.  My anger for you drowned out the happiness and shock of seeing you, and all I wanted was answers.

                Walking over to you, I sat down on the couch.  

                Your first words to me Yamato, after five years, were, "You didn't come back."

                If you want to know why, you'll have to answer me first.

                "What the hell do you want?"

-- Yamato --

                Your voice snapped me out of the trance than I had safely locked myself up in.  Drying my face rather discreetly, I looked up at you.

                You were stretched out across the couch real casually, your arms crossed behind your head, staring at the ceiling.  If I hadn't known that you were just trying to avoid eye contact with me, I would have assumed otherwise.

                Your position then still would have made me feel comfortable, if I hadn't heard the way you asked me that question.  Your tone clearly meant business.

                Normally my voice would be caught in my throat and I wouldn't be able to speak at all.  I don't know if it was because it was you, but for some reason, I was able to swallow, calm myself down, and talk.

                "Taichi…" I whispered, looking away from you.

                "What the hell do you want?" you repeated fiercely.  "Why are you here?"

                I know what I want.  I want answers.  

                I want to know why you hadn't come back…

                And, I suppose, that's why I'm here.  

                I suppose it would have been a smart thing to lie.  I had it planned, and first, but that's not what was able to come out of my mouth.  It may be safer to tell you that I don't know, but my heart's not lying…

                "I…why didn't you come back?" I repeated to you, turning to look at you again.

                Suddenly you scrambled and sat up, and looked at me with fierce, hardening eyes.  "I can't believe you." You told me firmly.  "We haven't seen each other in five years.  We left each other on _anything but a good note.  Then you decide to just show up at my door-when it's _raining_ mind you-and ask me why I didn't come back?  What are you thinking, Yamato?  What kind of answers do you expect me to give you?"_

                Seeing your eyes, and that hardness in them, it's too much for me.  You're not like that Taichi.  Those eyes, full of such pain and confusion, they don't belong to you.  You're normally so sweet and caring.  

                I can't stand to look at them.  Immediately I turn my head away from you again and stare at the floor.

                "I don't know…" I tell you, but not very honestly. I expected you to feel the same way that I do.  And now I know how stupid that was.  It is because of me that all of this happened, after all. 

                I never should have expected you to be able to forgive me…

                "I don't know what I expected you to say and feel." I tell you again, softly.  "The same way I do, I guess…"

                Did I actually say that last part outloud to you?

                "I don't get you." You tell me, in such a cold voice that it's just barely familiar.  

                God, I can't take this.  You really hate me for this, don't you Taichi?  You were really hurt by it…

                I mean more than I ever expected.

                Silence reigned.  It seemed that as soon as I started talking to you, any words that I had planned ran away from me.  I can't think of anything to say.  Now that I know you hate me…

                …and it seems like you're waiting for me to say something.

                You break the silence by letting out a slight growl, and then I feel both of your hands jerking my shoulders and your face is right next to my ear.

                Suddenly my breathing is a lot faster and my heart wants to burst.  

                We haven't been this close to each other in a long time, and I don't want to know what it might do to the both of us…

                "I just don't get you." You repeat again in a hiss.  "You leave me five years ago, you don't come to see me a year ago, and now you just show up and start asking me questions?  How do you feel about me, Yamato?  Because I don't know.  So I don't know how you expected me to feel."

                Then you release me and stay on the couch, but move as far away from me as you can.

                "Bastard." You continued to hiss furiously at me.  "You never should have came here."

                I know that now, but it's a bit too late.

                Just like everything else in our lives.  We never knew until it was too late.

                All because of each other…

                Right out of nowhere I feel an anger flash burst through me.  I don't know why or how but all I know is that it makes me want to scream.

                "It's too late for that now." I spat out without really meaning to.  "I'm already here and you're talking to me and no one can change that."

                I expected you to scream out at me in fury, but you didn't.  I hear you sigh and then whisper, "Yeah, you're right."

                For just a split second I was able to hear your true feelings toward me, Taichi.  I can't tell you how much that little bit helped my confidence.  You don't hate me, I realize that now.  You just want to believe that you hate me.

                "We're both here, and neither of us wants it, but I guess we should just give each other the answers wanted so I can get out of here." I whisper tentatively.

                "What answers?" you ask me bitterly.  "Who said that I ever wanted a thing from you anymore?  You're the one who came to me.  I didn't come to you."

                "You still let me in." I told you.  And it was the truth.  "If you didn't care about me in the slightest, or if you didn't want something from me, you would have slammed the door on me and left me in the rain."

                Your fist clenched.  You know that I was right.

                "I wanted to know what you wanted from me." You explained quickly.  "I let curiosity get the better of me."

                "Curiosity killed the cat." I mumbled, but you heard.

                "If I were you I wouldn't be the one saying that." was all that you could reply.

                And, for the next passing minutes, we stayed there in silence.

-- Taichi --

                I'm trying hard not to be mad at you.

                But it's not all that easy.

                I don't like this.

                I kept telling myself that I wanted to see you.  I kept wondering how you were and what you were doing.

                But now that you're actually here…I want you out of here as soon as possible.

                It's typical, because now we just can't seem to keep a conversation going.  Neither of us are on track…

                It would have been better if you had stayed away.  

                But, god damn it, as I've told you, it's way too late for that.  

                I don't even care if you notice anymore.  I'm getting you out of here.

                For all I care Yamato, you can go to hell at this point.

                It's been too long.  It doesn't matter to me anymore…

***End Chapter 2***

                Like last time, the next chapter is posted already.  Please, read on everyone!

~Shadow Dreamer~


	3. Chapter 3

**~Wasuremono Koiboto~**

**Shadow Dreamer**

**Chapter 3**

-- Yamato --

                I have to admit, your silence worries me.

                I expected you to be as mad as hell.  You probably are.  But I just expected you to be constantly screaming at me.  

                You're not.  You're just as quiet as I am.

                "I-"I managed to start saying something but I couldn't finish.  I still don't know where to start.

                We have so much to talk about…but some of it may be best left alone…

                "I came back…to apologize." I blurt out, and I don't even realize that I'm saying it at first.  Although I'm looking down, I can hear your every move.  You lay down again and then you sigh.

                "Why?" You ask me in a very strange tone that scares me.  I've never heard that come out of you before.  The feeling in your tone of voice is almost suicidal…but you've never…

                Shaking my head, I'm forcing myself to answer the question.  It's best this way…

                "I…I felt guilty." I whisper to you honestly.  Well what else am I supposed to say?  This is not a time for stalling.  It would only annoy you more.

                After a few minutes you still hadn't answered me and I knew that you were expected more.  

                One thing that being a musician taught me is that if you want to express your feelings, drawing it out will only make things worse.  If you get everything out at once, it comes out much easier.  So, taking a deep breath, that's what I plan to do.

                "Taichi…look, I felt guilty.  I still do. I feel guilty about five years ago.  About leaving.  I feel guilty about never apologizing to you.  I still love you, you know.  I've never stopped.  And I just…didn't want you to hate me, although I know that you do.  But I wanted you to know that I'm sorry.  And…how I feel about you…I already answered that.  I'm mad at you Taichi, and I don't think I can trust you that much anymore.  But I still love you.  And then…I want to know…why you didn't come back…"

                I said it all so quickly that I could barely understand myself and when I was done I felt like all of my breath had been pulled out from under me as a rug.  Being near you was only making it worse, and so I abruptly stood up and walked over to the end of the room, sitting on the floor.

                The distance may be a good thing.

                For five minutes, I sat in an eerie silence, waiting for you to reply.  As I waited I watched your face.  It was sort of amusing.  I watched your expressions.  They rapidly changed from angry to sad, sad to confused, confused to pissed, pissed to guilty…and sometimes you looked like all you wanted to do was break down and cry.

                For a minute you looked like you would.  Then you gained hold of yourself.  I expected you to reply calmly.

                Well it wouldn't be the first time I was wrong about you.

                You exploded on me and it happened so fast that I could have sworn it didn't even happen.

                "GUILTY?!" You suddenly screamed at me.  "YOU felt guilty?  If you're feeling guilty enough to come and apologize to me five years later, you never should have gone in the first place.

                "SCREW apologizing, Yamato!!  That was due five years ago!!  Perhaps more than that.  I can't believe this.  How dare you just come barging in and apologize to me like that after all that happened!"

                I have to admit that I was quite taken aback by your sudden outburst.

                But it did answer something for me.

                You _are_ mad at me, Taichi.  You really are.

                I never expected you to be as mad as you are.  I suppose I screwed things up more than expected.

                The silence was interrupted by your sudden pacing and deep breathing and then you suddenly started to talk again.  But this time you were starting to cry.

                "It's not fair, Yamato.  It's just not fair.  God, you don't know how much I love you.  After everything that's happened, I still love you.  I never stopped.  You want to know why I didn't come back a year ago?  I was going to, you know.  I was at the airport when your flight came in.  But I didn't stay.  I couldn't have Yamato, you have to understand that.  I love you so much…if I had stayed then I wouldn't have been able to leave you again.  You know about this game that we're playing, Yamato.  And it has to stop.  It has to stop before we both get ourselves killed.  I hate you so much and you could burn in hell for all I care.  But at the same time all I want to do is hug you and kiss you until everything's better.  But this isn't a fairy tale.  There.  Now you know how I feel about you.  And it's just not fair that you finally come back to me apologizing for something that you did five years ago.  After all that time…I don't think I can even believe you anymore.  I don't know how you can believe-or trust-me.  Because I can't."

                Then you really did break down crying, sinking to the floor with your face in your hands.  I felt little pieces of my heart being ripped apart when I heard your wrenching sobs that continuously shook your body.

-- Taichi --

                Fuck you Ishida, fuck you.

                Why did you have to come back here?

                What happened between us five years ago would never have been solved.  We both would always be to blame for it.  

                A year ago, when we could have at least tried to make up, we didn't.

                I felt guilty for everything, and I know now that you did too.

                But that didn't give you any right to come back.

                I was getting along okay without you, you know.  Sure, I love you, and I missed you, and I felt guilty.  But slowly, I was starting to get used to living without you.  Having you as a memory was enough, but I only realize that now.

                Why couldn't you have stayed away?  If you had stayed away then both of us would have been much better off.

                And you know what?  What really makes me mad is…I know that you know that.  You know that it would have been better if you had stayed away.  You're not stupid.

                Only now is it crossing my mind that you must really be sorry if you're coming back to apologize.

                At the beginning that may have been enough for me to forgive you.  But it's not now.  It's too late and the damage is far from done.  You crumbled up my friendship with Ken and threw it in the trash can and now you're just making it worse between us.

                Somehow I know that if you stay here we're going to both do things that we will _really regret.  More so than the stuff that we have both already done._

                If you leave now, I just might be able to forgive you again to the point where I don't want your ass to rot in hell.  If you leave now, I just might be able to take in all that we've said and put it together.

                Get out of here.

-- Yamato --

                Your simple crying did not last long.  Soon you were crying and shaking but you were also shaking of anger, and sometimes I saw your fist clenching.  It would not take a rocket scientist to see that your very spirit was restless.  

                It's kind of funny, you know.  People would think that in a situation like this, I would be the one with mixed emotions.  But I'm not.  It's you that's taken the full blow of this, for once.

                Then…I'm the one who caused you to leave every time that you did, and I never did a thing to earn you back.  You always came back on your own and forgave me instantly.  

                And I expected you to do that forever.  That's what got us in into this mess in the first place, remember?

                And although I know that this is your fault too, it's really me that's screwed this up.  I'm the one who deserves to be as restless as you are, not you.  But it happened to you.  After all you've done for me, and after all the times you forgave me, it still happened to you.

                As pissed at me as you are, I still can't stand to see you how you are.

                Very tentatively, I walk over to you and place my arms around you, very lightly.  "Taichi…"

                Immediately your sobbing stops and I can feel your whole body tensing.

                "G-g-get off o-f me."  This time it's not a command, it's a plea.  You're pleading with me to let go of you…

                …because you're scared.

                I release you and step back.

                God Taichi…if it's gotten to the point where you're actually scared of me touching you…

-- Taichi --

                Why…?

                Why did you just do that?

                What gave you the right to touch me like that again?

                Damn you Yamato…and what scares me the most is, part of me liked it.  

                I was right.

                If you stay here much longer, we're both going to do something that both of us will deeply regret, and if that happens we really won't have a chance at all…

                Not that our chance now is very high, but still…

                I…I need you out of here.  I can't stand you being here anymore.  I just can't.

                "Taichi…"

                Your voice rushes through me again, but this time, my brain interprets it as a threat.

                Not familiar, not warm, not loving, not even something to be angry at.

                Your voice is coming through to me as a threat.

                "Go away…" I whisper shakily.  My crying has now stopped but I can feel myself trembling.

                "Taichi, listen to me, please-"

                "Go away!" I interrupt, and I keep my voice as steady and firm as possible.

                "But…Taichi, _please_-"

                "Just go!" I continue to plead with you.  Please Yamato, don't be stubborn now.  Don't question me.

                Just go.

                "Go, Yamato." I choke.  "Just go.  I can't stand you anymore…"

                "Taichi…"

                Your voice is hurt.  But it doesn't matter anymore.  Right now I have ice water in my veins and my feelings for you are so mixed that I just can't handle it.  I just want to die…

                "Go, Yamato.  I can't stand you here anymore.  Please…just go…"

                I don't know what I said or did, or maybe it was my tone of voice, or my shaking, but I could hear you backing away from me.  You backed away slowly; until I could hear you turn around and head towards the door.

                Relief flooded through my body, but at that very moment I felt incredibly guilty as well.  

                I waited for the time when you would actually leave.  I know that you will now, but I could sense your hand on the doorknob, and you were hesitating.

                Then your voice rang through me one last time.

                "Taichi?"

                For a reason still unknown to both of us, I turned my head to you.

                "I love you.  I'm sorry."

                The freezing rain dampened the welcome sign as you walked out the door.

***End Chapter 3***

                Next chapter, which is posted like the others, is last.  

~Shadow Dreamer~


	4. Final Chapter

**~Wasuremono Koiboto~**

**Shadow Dreamer**

**Chapter 4**

-- Yamato --

                You don't want me there.

                You don't want me in your life anymore, Taichi.

                I cannot tell you how much it hurts.

                I understand that we need to be away from each other sometimes.  But you practically just asked me out of your life back there…

                …No, wait.  Scratch that.  You didn't.

                Maybe if we hadn't spent so much time together before the problems began so many years ago none of this would have happened, but now it has and yet we keep returning to each other.

                You know that.  And you didn't ask me out of your life because you know that you can't.

                You know that I will be back.  It could be in 10 or even 50 years from now, but you know that I will be back.

                Just like I knew that you would come back all those times long ago.

                The decision was sudden.

                But I knew that I had to do it.

                It would be the best thing for the both of us.

                I didn't even run back to my small apartment because it was with me.

                The mud seemed to disappear, or at least it did not affect me anymore.  My shoes did not slide when I walked through it anymore, it only dirtied them.

                And then I began to run.

                Even in the freezing rain with the slippery roads and the mud in the grass, I ran at a speed that I never had before.

                You see Taichi, that's just the thing.

                That's the answer.

                Since "that" happened five years ago both of us have assumed that we would always come back to one another.

                And today, and a year ago, I came back to you as you had expected.  

                Just like you always came back to me when I expected you to.

                But, Taichi, there was one time when you didn't come back.

                That was a year ago.

                Even though you wanted to, you didn't come back.  Because you knew better than that.

                And now, I won't go back either.  Because _I know better than that, after what happened today._

                Mere will would not stop me from returning.  The magnet is too strong.

                But something can.

                With a sudden burst of speed I reach the park.  This park would normally bring back happy memories that would pain me.  I don't need to be reminded of the happier times with you.  But luckily, it's dark outside and raining so hard that I can barely see a thing.

                It takes me a while but eventually I am able to find a rather large tree in the forest that's pretty hidden once you think about it. Besides, if things haven't changed over five years, no one comes into this park of the forest anyway.  It's really not that far from the park, but people just don't come here.

                Some part of me is hesitating…because somehow I don't doubt that you will find out about this eventually.  We're connected now, we were connected long ago.  That's why we keep coming back to each other even when we would like to see each other rot in hell.  You'll feel it when it happens, and you'll know what happened.  You're not stupid Taichi, and you know me.

                You'll know.

                What I don't know is whether or not you'll come here and see for yourself.

                Well, it doesn't matter, because by the time you got here it would be too late.

                This is the coward's way out you know.

                But it seems right now that there's no other way…one of us had to do something eventually.

                By doing this I am only delaying the inevitable, but the delay may be good for us.  If I don't do this then I will eventually go back to you.  Again.  Or you may come to me, but I doubt that.  Your will to come back to me has been broken and god knows how long it would take to mend it.  Mine has just fully evolved and it's strong.  

                Too strong in fact.  It would force me to go back way too soon.

                Until death, we would return to each other.  After death as well, I think.

                That's why I am doing this.

                Most people have no regrets when they do this.  How I wish I could say that that was true for me, but it's far from not.  Regret is the reason why I am doing this.  Among other things.  

                But part of it is regret.

                Again, most people have something to say.  I don't.  

                White lie that is, ne?  I have everything to say, but only to you.  You would not want to know what it is and you could not hear me right now anyway.  There is no chance in hell that I am going back to tell you.

                You'd figure it out right away anyway and then you'd try to stop me.

                You'd probably succeed.

                Taichi…my only wish is that you knew how much that I still love you, and how much I regret about everything that I've done to you.  

                Okay, so you know.  I told you and you heard me.

                But did you listen?  Do you believe me or is it just another thing that I said to you?

                …or is it that you want to believe me but you can't?  That would be perfectly understandable, after all that I have done.

                When you find out…I'm sorry.  Don't let it bother you too much.  Don't think twice on it.  You will know why I did it but you'll be in denial.  You may try to find another reason.

                Don't.  Please don't.

                Go with your first instincts.  You'll understand why I did it then; and you'll be able to hear all that I want to tell you but don't have the time.

                Will you remember about our last promise to each other Taichi?  Or have you forgotten?

                No…

                …you'll remember.  You'll remember because by doing this, I will have broken it.

                That's why I'm not allowing myself to think too much on this, because if I think on it too much more guilt of breaking yet another promise to you will stop me from doing it.

                I don't even realize that my hand is shaking when I pull it out of my suitcase.

                The one that I had with me.  But as you pulled me into your door it fell to the side.  

                I'll bet that you didn't even realize.

                You know what else you didn't know?  I haven't been in Odaiba for the past year.  I've been in Kyoto.  And I just got off of a train to here, and went straight to your place.

                Would knowing that have changed the outcome of my visit?

                Perhaps, but probably not.

                Swinging it around in my hand, I squint to see through the blinding rain.  This deep into the forest, I cannot even see people.  All I can see are trees and muddy grass, and of course the blinding rain that's pounding down on the ground.

                If I wasn't going to do this I'd probably die of ammonia anyway.

                Taking a deep breath, I raise the thing in my hand.  I peer at it, and it doesn't even look threatening anymore.  Not like when I first found it.

                "I love you Taichi, I'm sorry…" my last words to you are the only that I want to say now.  The wind will not carry them to you; that kind of thing only happens in the cheesy shoujo romance manga that I know Hikari and Miyako used to love reading.  But I know you will hear them when you come here.

                It's just the magnet effect.

                The rest I'll leave to you to figure out on your own.  If you figure it out I will know that you didn't deny the way that I died.

                If you do deny it…well I don't know what that means and I don't want to know because the possibilities scare me.

                I cannot believe that I am actually doing this.  I've thought about it before sure, but I never imagined actually doing it.  

                God, I'm such a coward.  But that's all I ever was.  You were the one who gave me my strength and my courage.  That disappeared from me a long time ago, and so now I'm using the last memory of what I had to do this.  

                I just have to tell myself that it's the best for you.  And it is.  You said yourself that I never should have gone back to you.  So it will be good for you if I simply _can't go back._

                Without a second thought I bring the thing to my chest and place my finger on a certain part of the bottom.

                This is something that I have to do.  It's just another part of life. 

                My decision has been made.

                I can't turn back now.

                By now you should be sensing that something odd is happening to me and if I don't do it now you'll be here before I can.

                Closing my eyes, I take a deep breath and clear all of my regrets-and you-out of my mind.  I think only of the terrible mistakes that I have made over the past six years.

                With only those thoughts in mind, I pull the trigger on the thing, and the force blows me to the ground and bangs my back against the large tree.

                I have to bit my lip hard to keep from screaming.  It hurts like hell, but at least it will be over faster than cutting myself.

                Now that I think of it I should have just jumped off of a bridge.

                Yet it would be dangerous.  People could see me that way.

                In my mind however, I picture myself doing it.  I picture myself jumping off a bridge.

                It keeps my mind off of the pain.

                Subconsciously, my brain brings my hand to my chest and clutches it over the spot where I hit myself.

                Even over the rain I can feel the blood pouring onto my hand. 

                The rain falls into the wound and stings it hard.

                I bite my lip so hard that blood begins to trickle down from it and I shut my eyes tighter.  

                _Think of jumping off of a bridge.  It keeps your mind off of the pain._

_                I see myself hesitating and starting to jump to the music of the pounding rain that my ears are still hearing, yet they are ringing._

                I know that I missed my heart because I haven't died yet.  

                But…

                I also know that I missed my heart because I can feel that you know now.  By now you'll know that I have done something unbelievable.

                Stupid.  Cowardly.

                _Think of the bridge.  It keeps your mind off of the pain, and off of the world._

_                Off of my regrets and guilt._

                My imagination has always been very good.  It can do great things.  My imagination can be so powerful that it takes my mind off of everything, including any level of pain.

                Yet, not off of you.

                _I jumped._

_                Even though I am laying on the ground, the pounding rain stinging my wound, I can feel the wind rushing through my body and chilling me as it I had actually jumped._

                I can feel my body actually cooling.  I can almost feel my organs beginning to shut down from blood loss.

                My mind is the only part of me that's alive now.

                And in my mind, the last thing I see is your soft, warm, smiling face before I hit the ground and the world blacks out…

***End Chapter 4***

****Owari****

*hides behind rock wall*

Um…please don't kill me!!  I love Yamato!  I do!  

Although Ken *seemed* to not have much significance to the story, I do think that he helped out Taichi a bit in the end, don't you?  And it added to the drama…at any right, could you see Taichi doing something right away with Yamato when he came in?  I could not…so I threw another character in there.  Sorry if that REALLY bothers anyone.

Yes, I do realize that it was different themed than Eiei Koiboto, and the feeling around it was different.  I apologize.  I'm not completely happy with Ken, but otherwise, I liked it, but then again…I do have a weird mind.  (All right, stop accusing me of being a sadist!!  Sometimes character torture it a bit fun!)

I know that their emotions were a bit messed up, but yours would be too, if you were in that situation.  I tried to interpret as best as I could how a person would react when they are that upset, yet still love the person, and obviously emotions would not be normal.

I am sorry if this sucked so bad it ruined the first one.  I sincerely hope that wasn't the case.  But since I wrote it, I figured I'd post it.  I apologize HIGHLY to those of you who asked for a happy ending.  Realistically, I just could not picture it, and although I usually stretch reality in fanfiction, I felt, at least, that a happy ending would ruin it in a way.  However, I've written an epilogue entirely from Taichi's POV that ties up some lose ends.  The ending…well it's not happy, but it's not really sad either.  

                You know the drill everyone, please review!!  Be honest about what you think, okay?  Tell me if you think it sucked, but please try to say one nice thing at least, okay?  I know I normally do not ask for that, yet I'd really appreciate it this time.  I will only post the epilogue if enough people want it, so speak your mind!!

                One more thing, please no death threats!!  I've had enough of those!!  I have already promised a few people a happy fic, so I *do* promise that my next Taito will be happy fluff!

                Until next time.  Arigatou, minna-san! Ja ne!

                -Shadow Dreamer


	5. Epilogue

**~Wasuremono Koiboto~**

**Shadow Dreamer**

**Epilogue**

-- Yamato --

                I was surrounded by a peaceful darkness, and no sound around me.  In this dark, black hole, time moved so fast that I could have sworn that time didn't exist at all.  

                It was swirling.

                A dark, cool ribbon flashed past me, and began to envelope my body.  The force pulled me down to the ground.

                Surrounded by nothing but pure, pitch blackness, and the eerie sound pitch of it, and the tightening black snake, I was about to close my eyes and surrender when a familiar warm light burst through the darkness.

-- Taichi --

                I feel guilty about what I said to you.

                But it's too late for that now…

                I just couldn't stand having you here.  

                …You had too weird of an effect on me, I think.  It's silly.  Over these past five years all I wanted to do was talk to you…to find out if you were okay, what you thought about me…and then, when I finally got a chance, I blew it.

                I screwed up that chance totally, and the only reason was because you were here and I couldn't stand that feeling, I couldn't talk with you around.

                Because of those weird feelings I just let my anger take over and I lost track of anything that I had wanted to say to you, and let you do the talking and let my body do the screaming.  But I wish it hadn't been that way.

                It wasn't fair to you Yamato, it wasn't fair that the one time you actually tried to apologize I didn't accept it at all.

                But whose fault is that?  What exactly brought that on?

                ….Both of us.  And everything, that's what.  That's what brought everything on us in the first place.

                …As I'm sitting here, trying to work out what happened, desperately trying to cling to what you said to me and figure it out, I can feel that something's definitely not right.

                With you.

                Something's seriously wrong.

                My senses are tingling and I know that it has something to do with you, something that will turn around this game forever.

                I immediately began to panic, because I have no idea what it is that you could be doing.  It makes no sense.

                Just what could you have done, so fast, that what cause all of this?

                In my panic all sense of logic has left my mind.  

                My senses are still tingling; my heart is screaming at me to get to you, fast.  

                I immediately jump up and shove all of my confusion deep down inside me; temporarily let myself forget about what has just happened.

                I have to go to you, I just *have* to, something happened….

                ….and you know, I told myself that I wouldn't go back.  I had tried so hard, and it had worked, and then you had come back to me…

                …but I can't worry about it now.  You need me, something tells me that you need me; I can stop you from doing something…

                …but what?  What, Yamato?  My heart isn't exploding in my chest for nothing. 

                My mind is telling me that I'm too late, and part of me is screaming not to go back to you, that I will only regret it, but I can't think of that right now.  I shove it all down deep inside of me along with most of my feelings.  

                You need me right now, for whatever reason, and that feeling is too strong over me that it takes over anything else that I could have felt right at that moment.

                Quickly grabbing my coat, I rush out of the door into the pouring rain, ignoring the fact that I am in fact returning to you, and the effects of this won't be good at all.

                But what tells me that that fact all depends on how you look at it?

~~~~~~~~~~

                The rain is blinding as I run down the streets.  It stings my eyes and I can just barely see, yet I know exactly where I am going. By now I can go strictly on impulse when it comes to you, I know exactly where you are.

                _The park…_

_                But why?  Immediately I know it's not because you wanted to go there to dwell on memories.  You're too smart for that, and after all that happened…_

                I shake my head.  I can't think about today right now.  Shoving it deep inside me will only let it come crashing harder down on me later on, but at this point, I don't care.

                Things are too screwed up for me to care.

~~~~~~~~~~

                I do not stop running when I reach the park.  Whatever you've done, you would not do it so public, so I continue running deeper and deeper into the forest and make turns here and there and let myself be furiously pulled by the magnet that you have on me.

                As I feel myself nearing the spot where you are, the scent of death reaches my nose.  It's awkward, and I don't know why I can smell it.  But I can and it makes me want to throw up, it makes me want to stop now and turn back.

                Yet, I can't.  My heart won't let me turn back because that's where you are.  You're somewhere in that direction.

                I stop suddenly.  I don't want to but my heart makes me.  Only then did realization strike me and I suddenly know what you did.

                But that can't be possible.

                You wouldn't have done it.  I can't say that there was no reason for it, because there was…but you wouldn't have done it.

                Surely you wouldn't have.

                You came back to apologize to me, to say that you were sorry.  Your last words to me were "I'm sorry."  If you seriously were sorry you wouldn't have gone and done this, because by doing it you're only breaking another promise to me…

                …you would have been completely abandoning the game, breaking all of its rules, and you *know* that I can't handle that…without the game, I can't go on.

                I know I'm in denial but I don't care and my thoughts on you cause me to continue running again, running in the direction where I know you are.

                It is but a matter of a few minutes before I can see a tree ahead of me. Not just any tree, but a very large tree…

                …a tree with blood stains on it; and the scent of death around me is so strong that I just wanted to jump in with it.

                There's no denying it now.  I wouldn't be able to feel it so strongly if it weren't you.

                But…well, maybe not.  Maybe it's not you.   Maybe I can only feel it because my emotions are so whacked. 

                Maybe I've turned psycho or something.

                Yet I walk forward and look at the ground, and then my heart jumps into my throat and I cry out.

                I can see your mangled body lying on the ground against the tree.  Your hand is clutched over your chest where the wound is, and blood is still trickling out of it.  The gun still lies in your other hand, and your head back, your eyes closed, but not in peace.

                Suddenly my mind is clouded and I can't think, I'm shrouded in darkness.  My body is trembling and I give in.  Collapsing to my knees, I look down at the ground and keep my gaze there in disbelief.  In its heartbreak my heart has drastically raised its pace.   I can hardly breathe.

                Why, Yamato?  Why did you do it?  

                Was it because of what I said to you?  Is it because I was so angry at you when you came?  Is it because I did not apologize to you, I only wished you away from me as soon as physically possible?

                Around me, the rain continues to pour but as I pant the wind just around me is starting to slow.  Just around me the wind begins to make a circle around my body, and I suddenly get a warm feeling.

                "…No."

                No, that's not why you did it.  If one of us were going to kill ourselves simply over that, one of us would have been dead years ago.  There's a more complicated reason.

                A sob escapes my throat and tears begin to run down my face.  Why did you do this Yamato?  Why?

                Did you not know?

                By doing this…I know you knew that it would cause me pain.  And it is.  My anger for you is only growing and my heart is clenching.  I…

                …damn it, Yamato, I may have been mad at you, but I'm not sure that I can live without you…

                Before at least, I knew you were alive, and that was enough.  I had always known that you would come back to see me eventually, or I would go to see you, because never before have we quit our game.  Always we have kept it up, never stopping, knowing that it would bring us pain, but to completely separate ourselves from each other would be even greater pain than the results of the game…even though it would have been better for us in the end…

                …that's it.

                That's why you did it, isn't it?

                You knew that neither of us were satisfied by your visit.  By coming back to me, it had sparked something in you, I could see it.  You had begun to feel what I had felt so many years ago.  You had known that you would come back to me, and that's why you did it.

                That's why isn't it?

                You were trying to stop the game, or at least delay it a great deal.

                …but why?  You can't delay the game forever Yamato, it must be continued.  It's gone on for far too long, we can just simply *stop* it like that.  

                Why did you kill yourself then? You knew that it would delay the game.  But you knew that it wouldn't completely stop this.  I know you well enough by now; your thoughts are mine.  You did this because you wanted never to return to me, thinking that it would be better in the end, if we ended this here.

                But you made a big mistake you know.

                …I could feel when something started to happen, and you must have known that I would know.  Or maybe you didn't think of that, in your confusion and grief.  But I know.  And I won't let you do this.

                If you were trying to stop it you failed miserably, and simply delaying it will cause both of us much more pain in the end.

                Both of us will only be as content as we can be at this point when the game is continued.  Things should not work that way at all yet they do.  The game was our way of life Yamato, it has been for at least six years now, probably longer.  Why can't you see that?  But killing yourself you are only taking the game to the next stage way too early, and causing me more pain…

                …not only that, but you're breaking your promise to me, Yamato.  You broke it this time.  I may have broken the promise about always coming back, but that was long ago.  You broke a promise too you know, you broke a promise by leaving me for five years.

                After what happened today, I would have thought that you would know better than to break anything else.

                …Yet, you broke it again.  You broke it when you left me five years ago, and you broke it again.  

                We had promised to be there for each other Yamato, always.  We had sworn that nothing would ever come between us, and in absolute doubt, we'd be there for each other.

                When we started to fight we still kept up that promise, through the game.  At times when we couldn't stand each other anymore the game kept that promise alive, and by being its only players, we remained true to each other and kept it all alive.

                You killed yourself, Yamato.  You deliberately eliminated yourself from that path in the game.

                Why?

                You can't stop the game Yamato, but you can go and break promises.  Did you know that you would be breaking it?

                I'm sure you did.

                Yet you still went and did it.

                You kept insisting to me that you still loved me.  Your last words to me were "I love you.  I'm sorry."  Why'd you do it then?

                I know the answer.  You wanted to stop the game.  But I just can't come to believe that, that you would actually try to stop it.  The love that we still hold for each other…it only showed through the game.

                Did you really want to stop that?  Did you really want to let go of our feelings for each other?  Did you want to let go of the purity and the innocence, the simple fact that we love each other, but could no longer show?  Yet why would you, if you still loved me?

                Or were you really just stupidly trying to stop it, so that neither of us would further get hurt?

                I will not be able to rest until I know…but I do not know when I will be able to find out, if I ever will.

                I hate you now more than ever, yet the pain of your death is too great…

                I'm crying harder now, can you see?  Can you see the pain that your death has caused me?

                I still love you Yamato.  I really, truly do.  I never got to tell you tonight, before this.  That's a greater pain than anything…

                …and you still love me.  You do.  Why couldn't I have believed you?

                Sobbing and trembling, I make my way to your body.  I only cry harder, shake harder at seeing you like that, but I owe something to you, for coming back and trying.

                Ken was right.  I should have given you more credit for coming back and trying.  I've screwed this up way too badly…

                It's my fault.

                But perhaps there's something I can do yet.

                I gather your limp body into my arms and rest myself against the tree.  Having you in my arms again awakes something inside of me that I stubbornly always hid: my desires and passion.  Yet it does no good now.

                I've heard you Yamato, finally.  I listened.  In coming back to me all you wanted to say was that you still loved me, and that you were sorry.  You weren't trying to say goodbye…but you were trying to give me some peace.

                I wish I could have listened earlier, and that I could have told you the same thing.  Those same words are all that I wanted to say to you.  It's too late now.

                Until, at least, we meet again.  Maybe it will be easier then.  Perhaps you knew that it would be easier for us in death.  Yet if you have foreseen that, I cannot understand how.

                Yet now I can finally understand…finally.  Somehow I know, you understood long ago.

                I can still feel the tears streaming down my face and mixing with the rain but I can't sob now.  I know why you did it, and I can no longer blame you, despite the fact that you did break your promise.

                Tentatively, I press my lips to you, very gently, ignoring the feelings it stirs inside me.  It is only my way of apologizing to you, for now.

-- Yamato --

                A bright, warm light burst through the darkness and the black, snake-like ribbon around me cowered in the light and disappeared.  I was no longer being pulled down into the darkness.  It no longer seemed warm and I wrapped my arms around myself while shivering.  As fast as I could, I began to scurry over to the warm light, and felt almost invisible, glittering wings forming on my back.

                I could not help but smile, yet I was frightened.  Only your own light could have done this, Taichi.  And with the tingling on my lips joining the rest of the light, I knew it was you.  Perhaps I have had a positive reaction.

                My wings were forming and I positioned myself and waited.  This was the most dangerous part.  If we could surpass this, the game would be taken to the next stage, but it would get much, much easier rather than harder.

                Yet what would you do next?

-- Taichi --

                I know what I must do.

                I will not try to live on without you.  Your efforts now would have been in too much vain.

                It's stupid.

                If I was smart I would leave now, and go far away, not following.  By following I will, most likely, only make things worse and take in what's accounted for, yet that's all I can do.  The game has gone on for far too long, neither of us can abandon it now.

                The question is, how long will it be until I catch up?  You will be far along death's road by now, and by the time I catch up, we may have forgotten about our efforts to bring the game back to its innocent point and instead only continue to argue.  If that happen I fear that even us, its own creators, will not be able to control what turn the game takes…death does much to who its holds.  And the game goes where we go.

                …It's a risk I'm willing to take.  For you.  Yet I still fear what you have already done.

                Taking a deep breath, I release the gun from your hand.  Then I tenderly lay your body out on the ground, right next to the tree.  It still causes me pain to see you like that, but not much, not anymore.  I'll be with you soon.

-- Yamato --

                _~Wait for me.  I'm coming for you.~_

                Your heart is calling out to me.  You're asking me to wait for you.  But how?

                Our connection is much stronger than I ever thought before, the game kept us much closer than both of us ever realized.  Why is it that we have realized this only through death?

                Could it be that the time of our pain has almost passed?

                My wings have fully formed off of your supporting light, and even though it's almost disappeared, I  take no notice.  Bursting through this barrier of darkness I fly to where I know you will emerge.

                _*I'm waiting.  Please hurry.*_

-- Taichi --

                I have no regrets.  It's selfish, but all I wish is to be reunited with you.  It's foolish to think things will be okay right away, but I have hope, as foolish as I know it is.

                _"Sorry Ken.  It's not your fault, do not believe it."  I wish I had time to go back and say sorry, but this cannot be delayed.  I just hope that he will understand._

                Knowing that I must make haste before I can have any regrets about Ken, I lay myself down next to you and look up at the sky.  

                I always remember looking up at the stars with you at night.  We'd lie on the grass and wonder what forces up there had in store for us.

                Funny that I should still look back up to fate at a time like this.

                Turning back to look at your face, I keep my gaze glued there.  I want my last memory of being alive to include you.

                Taking a deep breath, I close my eyes, and place the trigger straight on my heart.

                _~I'm almost there.  Will you be waiting?  Just how far has this game gone?  Can you forgive me?~_

                I pull the trigger, and all I feel is immediate pain.

-- Yamato --

                A gigantic burst of wind and light comes into my otherwise dark clearing and I am almost pushed full force to the ground.  Fear shoots through my body.  What will come of this meeting?

                I'm happy though.  In death we will be given all the time needed.  Somehow I know, we will be allowed to remain in this clearing, until an agreement has been reached.  I do not doubt that in the end, we will not be separated from each other.  The game will either end (in us both winning) or continue.  It will most likely continue; I do not think that all that has been done in the past six years can be healed so quickly.  Yet I can not judge.

                _*I waited for you, I'm still here.  When you come, what will you do?  Can you forgive me?  Can we forgive each other?*_

_                ~*We had let all that we had be reduced to pain and regret.  Can we remember what we  had, and our happiness, and let that rule our lives?  Is this darkness too strong, has it really gone too far?*~_

-- Taichi --

                The amount of darkness that surrounded me was overwhelming.  I was shoved into a very tight crack and could not breathe.

                I held out, though, for I could feel myself being pushed out of the crack.

                When I emerged, I realized a strange pressure on my back, but was forced to forget about it as I flew tumbling into a dark black clearing.  

                This was certainly not death's road, it was a place to wait before death fully claimed.  Why was I here?

                A warm light quickly supported me and I began to push against the forces around me, floating upwards, upwards, desperately trying to escape the pressure.

                From the warm light wings began to form, and as I flew the light grew stronger until it was blinding.

                Your essence surrounded me, and I was nervous.

                A flash of anger ran through me.  Why have I done this?  Why have I gone and given up my life for you, when you're the person who started this in the first place?  You're the one who left me Yamato, I did not ever leave you, I was always the one to return and forgive, until finally I stopped.  Yet not for long.

                You did come back to me today Yamato, but in the end all you did was leave me again.  Here we are, at the very end of this road, and I'm the one returning to you.  It's just like it was in the beginning.

                How is it that after all that's happened, and after the pain you've caused me, I'm still willing to do this for you?  How is it that I can be so mad at you and yet at the same time still love you to death, willing to follow you until we've made up, even if it means being separated forever?

                My heart was pounding violently in my chest and all I wanted to do was turn back, that or take a different road.  I do not want to face you.  

                …But I kept going.  I still love you, and I've heard you now, I need to see you again, yet I will be mad, I know that I will be…

                Yet as I reached the top, my heart stopped. 

                I see you, you're up there.

                You're waiting for me, smiling hesitantly and painfully down at me, with a tentative hand outstretched to assist me if needed.

                So, fate has chosen for us to remain here and work it out.  I do not know how long it will take.

                …But, what I do know, is that you did not break your promise to me.  We cannot ever forgive for the pain and regret we have caused each other and ourselves over the past six years.  But it helps, at least, to know that by killing yourself you did not break your promise to me after all.  You waited.

                Our hearts communicated with each other and you were willing to wait for me, to try and fix things, though you realize that it may all be in vain.

                I know how stupid it will be, to try and fix things with you.  As soon as I reach you we will be awkward, and we will argue.  Yet we will be stuck together until we reach something.  

                How are we going to manage even that?  I know what will happen, we will be eager to see each other at first, but when the time comes to talk we'll be awkward and then we will argue, and blame each other for it.  I do not see how we can reach an agreement…it's been too long…

                To end this game is almost impossible at this point, yet maybe…

                All I am saying to you is, if we truly have forever to talk and work it out…

                I love you.  You love me, and we are both sorry.  That was never enough before, as it should have been, but death is odd and gives people strange privileges.

                And right now, seeing you waiting for me, I cannot help but let my love for you push past all other feelings, and for one moment, let it dissolve my anger for now.  For one moment we will be granted a chance to go back to when life was this: each other, with no problems or doubts.  I know it will go away within a minute, and our anger, pain, and regret will remain…

                _~*Yet I cannot help but hope*~_

                It is asking far too much, and part of me does not want it, part of me is still too angry.

                Yet maybe…

                Maybe we'll be okay after all.

**~*Owari*~**

Well, that's the end everyone!!  I hope it was satisfying enough.

Do not be fooled by the ending.  It seemed happy…it's deceiving.  I never wanted a happy ending for this fic, which is why I never wanted to do the sequel, but it was haunting me, I couldn't help it, and most of you who reviewed asked me to go on….so I posted it.  

                I do suppose that you can look at it however you want.  I did think I made enough implications that once they both met each other again, the tension would be too great, and they'd have to continue their "game", thus leading to an unhappy ending…but if you'd like to make it a happy ending, I suppose you can…I just thought it too unrealistic.  But, then again, it's fanfiction, and it's love….odd things happen.

                For those of you who asked for fluff, I will be posting fluff, I've had enough of dark angst fics for a while!  Although I have promised a friend of mine to start some Lord of the Rings fics….so I'll be doing that, but I *will* get some Taito fluff out, if you're all patient!

                Thanks so much for the great reviews, despite the death and hate threats, I did get some rather nice comments on my writing style, which was very encouraging.  Thanks so much to all of my reviewers.  If you would be so kind as to review this too, I'd be ever grateful to all of you!  So review please, and so you next time with a fluff!  Arigatou, minna-san!!  Ja ne!

~Shadow Dreamer


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